Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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