I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
