she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
