Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
