Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
