i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
