I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
