your room smells of hookers.
And success
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
