I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
