and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
