Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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