Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
