lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
