My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
its not stalking. its research.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
