Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
