so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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