Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
