I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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