My liver just broke up with me...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
