Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
