Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
