Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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