I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
