Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
