My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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