I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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