I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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