I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
