Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
