You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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