Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
