My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
