I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
