Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
