if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
