My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
