I wish life had little blips of pornography
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
