im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
