PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
