I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
