if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
