Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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