"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
