I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
All I want is dick and wine.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
