Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
