I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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