Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
