Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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