I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
