I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
