there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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